Relationship Status

What is your relationship status...

With yourself?

Are you madly, deeply in love?
Are you breaking up?
Is it complicated?

Most of us have a complicated relationship with ourselves.  Odds are, we've fallen out of love.  Life is hard, kids are harder, Summer's here and so is the 20 lbs hiding our bikini body we promised to get 6 weeks ago.  Depends on the day but we can either be falling in love with our strong, confident self or breaking up with girl who keeps falling short.

Self love really is the new relationship goal in life.  All too often, we let ourselves fall short and come in last.  Self love helps us live a more confident, centered life of purpose. So, how can we turn this love train around and start finding a little self-love?

Bad days happen but that doesn't mean we have to set up camp and remain stuck there.  Maybe we visit for a few hours, maybe a day but then it's time to move on.  Part of the problem we face as women is remaining in the past, holding on to hurts like the string of a kite but that will never lift us to higher ground or move us along.  We just stay stuck and tethered to the past.  Let it go.  Letting go of the past that no longer serves us well, is one healthy step toward loving yourself.

Focus on what your basic needs are in life.  Stay mindful in this task and with each decision you make, be sure it is serving these long term needs and values, not wants that will quickly fade.  Oftentimes, we fill up on quick fixes and empty calorie choices that only weigh us down even more.  Overspending, prescription drug abuse, food...can all make us feel good in a moment but it's just a single moment.  There is no staying power in feeding our wants.  Focus on your needs.

Mend the fences along your boundaries.  All too many times, we forget that 'No' is actually a complete sentence.  You can maintain your boundaries without excuses, lies or being rude and ugly about it.  Simply say, "No."  If you are spread thin with one nerve left, allow yourself the opportunity to rest and refuel.  Taking on another project or commitment isn't going to serve you well, nor is it a loving thing to do.  Be gentle and kind, even with yourself.

Tidy up your friends.  Most people come and go in our lives naturally but others may need to be invited to leave.  Either your friends are for you...or they are against you.  Take a closer look at the people you surround yourself with.  Let go of the ones who make you feel 'less than' or 'other'.  Negativity and criticism are love killers, especially when it comes to loving ourselves.  Fill your life with those people who make you feel loved and valuable.

Finally, give yourself the same freedoms and concessions you allow for others.  We are often our worst critic.  We forgive others, compliment others, cheer others along.  When was the last time you did that for yourself?  Give yourself the time of day.  Do something you love to do.  Engage in a new hobby or an old one you shelved.  Even a few minutes a day goes a long ways.  It helps to unwind from the stresses of life.

When we are able to love ourselves more, we are better able to handle life and all the complexities that come with it.  Our relationships will be stronger and more meaningful.  We will be able to handle and recover from stress quicker.  Self love allows for more hope and less anxiety and depression.  Even just changing one negative behavior or habit for a more loving one will begin to make a difference.

It's time to change your relationship status!

Perfectly, perfect

Why be perfect, when you can be average?

Seriously.

Here's why average is way better than perfect.

Perfectionism according to some is a psychological disorder.  Those who suffer with perfectionism may disagree, because that would mean they are less than perfect, but according to research, it sets a person up for depression, anxiety, relationship problems, eating disorders, and in extreme cases, suicide. Any one of these results is a high price to pay just to appear perfect.  Perfect is actually unattainable, no matter who you are or who you think you are.  You are in fact human; flawed and oh so human.

We live in a day when perfectionism resides as close as your back pocket or purse.  Social media runs the average day, all amok with embellished images of blissful lives, immaculate homes, unblemished bodies, adept and accomplished children, impeccable partners and vacations and weekend getaways  beyond compare.  If you are suffering with perfectionism, these images wreak havoc on your mind and heart.  We compare our mediocre to something completely unreal and unattainable and then fill our head with self talk of shame, guilt, doubt and frustration. 

Being a perfectionist is hard work.  One never feels accomplished.  A perfectionist can never feel pride in a job well done because they never see the job they did, as done well enough.  Perfectionists never really take risks.  Anything that can not be done perfectly, won't even be attempted because failure is not an option or acceptable outcome. In fact, the focus for a perfectionist is never really on success, but rather, failure.  They work in extremes, with black and white kinds of thinking.  One may be successful today, but a failure at best, tomorrow.  Sadly, one who struggles with perfectionism never has a consistent source for self worth. 

When one is always consumed with thoughts of perfection, thinking becomes skewed.  They come to demand similar traits in others.  When others fall short, and they will, a perfectionist will often respond with high levels of criticism that can create barriers to good communication and meaningful relationships. 

So, what a person to do?

First, you must recognize in what ways perfectionism creates problems for you, because everyone is different. Perhaps only certain areas of your life are affected.  Pay attention to those areas of your life when you feel the most insecure and ashamed; those moments when you can see for yourself that even your own standards can feel impossible.

Begin setting realistic goals and understand that excellence is a great swap for perfectionism.   Excellence is achievable; it's doing our best time and again and even seeing an improvement in our efforts.  Consider that everything we do is an opportunity to learn and grow. Give those around you, a chance to make mistakes as well.  When we learn to let others fall and fail it becomes easier for us to allow the same from ourselves.

We all need to practice being more authentic and real.  Life is meant to be experienced; the good with the bad, the successes and the failures. When we can begin to put these little changes into practice, the cords of perfectionism that bind us will begin to loosen.  We will find that life can be less stressful and anxious and more pleasant and relaxing.  Try to look at each situation from a new perspective.  By doing this, we can change some of our rigid thinking. 

Average is healthy.  Average leaves room for excellence and growth.  Average is very exciting and creative.  Average isn't afraid to take risks because even failure is an amazing place to learn new things.  Average is patient, loving, kind and connected.  Even if at first, you can't quite let go of the entire lifestyle of perfection, try compromising for one day and let yourself be human.