Creating Reality

"Within the privacy of our own consciousness -- in the theater of our mind -- we create our own sense of reality, which we inhabit as our role in the great drama of life. It is a complex structure, like a skeletal system for our consciousness."   Judith Johnson

This is an interesting topic that warrants a closer look.  How much of the world in which we live, has been created by our minds?  For good or for bad, the mind is a powerful thing. Every minute of every day we make judgments in how to navigate the day; the world.  We have to in order to survive, but how do we keep ourselves from making errors in judgment?

While we clearly aren't the experts on this topic, there are some common sense things we can consider.  The reason this is so important is because the effect our thoughts have on our mental wellness.  Every day in the clinic, we see you facing your mountains of adversity, fighting against depression, anxiety, addictions and many other coping strategies we adopt to get by in this frantic world of information; a world in which news ceases to exist and in its place, we read about what ifs and maybes, even could bes. 

Neuroscientists  have studied the brain in countless ways and have determined that repetitive thoughts form neural pathways in which the neurons become linked together, thereby strengthening the thought.  When have the same thought over and over, it becomes a pattern in our thinking...our go to thought.  If we never challenge the debilitating and negative thoughts, they continue to gain traction in our minds.   It's the thought process that molds a person, a family, a community and so forth. 

The good news is, we can change those pathways and in so doing, change our experience and reality.  

Here are some simple ideas to change the thoughts in your brain that no longer serve you well.

•   First, ask yourself if the thought is true.  Is it 100% true and can you know for sure it is true. 
•   Is the thought authentic and meaningful for you?   Just because everyone is thinking it, doesn't mean you should too. 
•   Be careful where you spend your time.  If negative people impact your thoughts, avoid the negativity by lessening your exposure.  The same holds true for social media and news outlets. 
• Decide on some healthy boundaries. 
• Focus on the things you know to be true. 
• Reframe the situation to focus on the positive parts.  There are several perspectives to take for any one situation, explore your options. 

I love the story of the farmer...

"An old Chinese farmer saved up small amounts of money over a year to buy a new horse. Just a day after the farmer bought the horse, it ran away. His neighbour expressed grief, but the farmer himself was calm. “I hope you can get over this bad news” said the neighbor. “Good news or bad news, can’t say” replied the farmer.

The next day, the horse returned to the farmer’s house by itself, and brought another stray horse with it. “Cheer up, we’re going to multiply our farm income. That’s great news” said the farmer’s son. “Good news or bad news, can’t say” replied the farmer and carried on with his work.

A week later, the farmer took the first horse to his farm and his son took the second horse to follow his father to work. On the way, the second horse pushed the boy down and ran away. The boy’s leg was fractured badly. That evening back home, the farmer’s wife groaned “We will have to spend all our extra savings on our son’s broken leg. What a terrible news”. Once again, the farmer replied: “Good news or bad news, can’t say.”

A month later, the farmer’s King announced a war on the neighboring nation. Citing a lack of foot soldiers, the King ordered all able-bodied men in the nation to get drafted into the military without excuses. The farmer’s son was spared because of his broken leg. Later, the inexperienced soldiers got slaughtered in the war. “You are lucky that your son did not get drafted. Mine returned with severe injuries. Many have been handicapped or killed” complained the farmer’s best friend. Unabashed, the farmer responded: “Good news or bad news, can’t say”.

Life can take on so many different meanings and as humans, we rush to put meaning on things faster than we should for our own good.  One of my favorite techniques to control my thoughts is to allow a situation to simmer in my mind for a while before passing judgment on a thing.   Often, I find that the thought I would normally have is much worse than what really happens.  

If you are a person prone to depression or anxiety, this is a good thing to work on.  It's not a band-aid, but a tool, just one of many we can use to help us get through these difficult times. 

Supporting Our Children

It's been a rough year in case you hadn't noticed!  Whew!  Everyday presents itself with a new challenge to adapt to, and overcome.  We are still trying to thrive in a time of pandemic and uncertainty.  And while we can all agree that this may very well be the hardest thing, or one of the hardest years we have been through, we sometimes forget about the children and the impact the world has on them.  

Children have had to regroup just as many times as we have and in many ways, it can seem that they 'go with the flow' much easier than we do.   As long as they are off playing cheerfully in the backyard with their new set of imaginary friends...ya know, since social distancing is in Vogue...we think they are just fine. 

Children have a brain that is still in various stages of development, something the National Institute of Health refers to as Brain Architecture.  This leaves them susceptible to environmental adversity.  They are experiencing interruptions in their social connections, education,  physical and mental care, and many children are living in situations of poverty due to the shut downs and losses experienced by their caregivers.  They witness firsthand the stress of their caregivers and those around them who speak openly about their own anxieties.  Children just don't have the nervous system to self regulate and this is something that as adults, we often overlook. 

In just a few days, our kids will most likely be heading back to the classroom.  It will look much different than it ever did, and for some with more fragile emotional systems, it could very well create some trauma for them.  So, how do we help them adjust and give them tools to have a safe and enjoyable year, as close to normal as possible? We can help all children whether we are a mother, aunt, friend, or neighbor.   

• As the responsible adult, we need to get our own view of the world in which we live in check.  If we are scared or anxious, our children will recognize that.  We set the tone for the day. 
• Listen to them, not just their words but watch their behavior.  Humans tend to battle fear with angry outbursts and insecurity.  Its important to listen to what they aren't saying! 
• Ask what their concerns are for the upcoming school year.  Validate each point and instead of lying or sugar coating their fears, admit when you just don't know the answer.  Let them know you will do your best to advocate for them in the best way you can. 
• Work together on a plan to thrive.  Kids are smart and if we stopped to ask for their input and suggestions, we may actually find a better way. 
• Empower them in their own process of making decisions.  This is a great opportunity to teach them about critical thinking. When they get to make some of the decisions, the outcomes are typically more favorable and there is less acting out. 
• Give them the tools they need to feel safe going out in the world. Teach them about realistic hygiene goals, not obsessive thoughts.  Remember we need some healthy bacteria to keep us safe.  Too much of a good thing is still too much. 
• Help them understand what the new school is going to look like and get their feedback. What scares them about the new plan for education. 
• Create healthy spaces and activities for kids to decompress from the world.  This includes limiting their exposure to social media. 

These are challenging times and we recognize the difficulties each family in our community faces, and they are different for everyone.  These are only ideas that you can develop further for your own unique set of circumstances, and there are so many other ways to help our children.  Hopefully, this gets us thinking and preparing for the new frontier we will soon be facing.   As providers in the medical community we strive to add our support and compassion during these times.  We know the weight of the burdens you carry. 

A 15 Day Challenge

We are no strangers to daily challenges.  Currently, on any given social media feed you can find the Push Up Challenge for Veterans.  The 15 day Post a Picture of your Graduate.  The 15 day picture post for Grandmas...The Ice Bucket Challenge for ALS was wildly successful and popular...What about a challenge for our mental health?

Who's ready for this challenge?  It might be hard...I guess that's why they call it a challenge!    Mental Health often has a negative connotation and can feel almost shaming.  It can makes us feel weak and vulnerable that we just can't handle life.  That is a false!  Mental Health is not about our flaws but about the ways we can become strong...just like going to the gym or eating our fair serving of vegetables!  Let's flip the way we think about the health of our psychological and emotional parts.  When we connect our mind and body, we can really become a well oiled machine! 

Here we go... Our 15 Day Mental Health Challenge

1. Just breathe...I know we do it without thinking all day, but today, breathe while thinking about it.  Breathe deeply in and let it out slowly. Feel the calming rhythm.  As you let it out, imagine the weight on your shoulders getting lighter and lighter.  Breathing is pretty cool when you are actually aware of it! 
2. Focus on the moment.  Don't spend day two living in yesterday or borrowing worry from tomorrow.  Just be in whatever you discover this moment holds. 
3. Create a musical playlist that calms you, energizes you, invigorates you, empowers you...whatever it is you need.  Play that music...May I offer some suggestions?  The long flowing measures of Bach help slow your anxious mind.  The excitement of Mozart will energize us and excite the waves of the brain to wake us up.  Whatever rhythm you surround yourself with, your body will adjust to. 
4. Move your body...stress anxiety tends to get stuck in our minds...move it on through by moving your body.  Engage in a little dance off in the kitchen with your kids.  Take up Yoga or simply go for a walk. 
5. Create a quiet corner.  Sometimes, all we really need a little moment of peace and quiet.  Find such a place and claim it as your quiet place where you can refuel your mind and set down the burdens you carry. 
6. Connect with a trusted friend.  Sometimes, in the hustle of living, we let go of the most important connections we have in lieu of other more pressing tasks but certainly less important.  Re-establish those healthy connections.  Being isolated is hard on us and creates undo stress. 
7. Start a gratitude journal.  Don't just name the things in life you grateful for, write them down. Things are so easily and quickly lost in our brains.  When they are written down, they can be easily reviewed on the days when everything seems to be going wrong. 
8. Write down all the ways you can grow regardless of your the situation that surrounds us.  Shifting your perspective is a valuable tool we often neglect. 
9. Step away from social media, news, tv and anything else that distracts you in unhealthy ways.  Have you ever noticed a 24 hour absence from social media results in nothing?  You literally miss nothing!  
10. Discover a new hobby.  Find a way to be creative.  Did you know that creativity resides in the same area of the brain as anxiety?  Hmmm...maybe all that worry and wonder just needs an outlet to create. 
11. Practice setting and keeping healthy boundaries.  For some people pleasers, this may come as a surprise but the word NO, can actually be a complete sentence.  Now, if you need to, you can add "No, thank you." or "No, not today."  but you don't have to say 'NO' and follow up with any kind of explanation.  Like most things, this is easier said than done but just for today, practice it a little.  
12. Go to bed an hour early.  For reals...don't say your going to bed and then finish your ToDo list on the way.  Just go to bed.  
13. Select a new mantra or inspiring quote or thought.  Post it in a place where you will be reminded of it daily. 
14. Make a list of all of your accomplishments that make you proud.  It's easy to forget how far we've come.
15. Ask for help.  A good mental health practice is understanding that we weren't created to be islands, merely existing alone.  We were meant to be together.  If you are struggling to find your emotional footing, ask for help.  This is a positive move and should be the first thing we consider when we find ourselves a little bruised or even a little broken.  Reach out.  Don't suffer in silence. 

We hope that something on this list finds it's way to your life and it provides you with at least a moment or two of respite.   We need one another, now more than ever. 

The Stress is Real

I remember, some time ago, visiting the doctor for a laundry list of ailments that had finally begun to get the best of me.   All I really wanted was to grab my fist full of prescriptions, you can almost always count on, and go about my day with the renewed hope that relief was just a small pill away.  

Imagine my disgust when the doctor chalked it all up to stress!  "That's impossible!  I'm not that stressed!"  "Okay, maybe stress can account for my increased blood pressure but c'mon..." I left with a prescription to handle my stress before it handles me.  If I'm being honest, that really stressed me out. 

It also made me mad and I'm sure I rambled on in my defense, even to strangers, about what a cop out that was because clearly, something was very wrong with me and I had been so quickly dismissed.  

Stress...

The truth is, that doctor was right.  It's only been some years later that the evidence of a stressful life is littered across my medical chart. 

Today, you would be hard pressed to find a soul who isn't stressed with the current trends of angst around us.  The world is groaing under the loads and demands of politics, pandemics, prejudice, pride and privilege.  We are connected and disconnected in ways we have never been before.  Friends and family share opinions we never knew existed in their now passionate hearts, for whatever cause they deem useful.   We feel the collective stress, whether beyond the edges of the tumult or, in the heart of the matter, or heading back under the rock we wish to inhabit.  There is no escaping, even a sliver of the upheaval, and that is stressful. 

So, how do we handle this real stress before it handles us?  There are the obvious, pat answers...improve your diet, get some exercise, breathe deeply, get more sleep.  Those are valid and helpful, but perhaps there is more to it. 

Just like my response to the doctor when things didn't go my way, our first instinct when trouble arises and the stress load builds, is to defend.  We defend our truth.  We defend our views.  We claw our way out of misunderstanding.   That's just it...as humans we want to be seen.  We want to be heard.  We want to be understood.   Looking back at the interaction with my doctor, he listened closely to my concerns, he evaluated each problem,  he made a full assessment of my health. He didn't just dismiss my concerns as I had perceived at the time...  He listened, he didn't just rewrite my story of pain for a more elusive one called stress.  

Perhaps being defensive only contributes and adds to the stress of any situation. 

What if, instead, we became more accessible to the people around us?  What if we stopped for a moment to hear our children or our spouse, roommate, friend; witness their perspective, their reality.  What if we just started there, in our own circles of influence?

What if we stopped to listen and understand before rewriting the story of someone else. 

What if our behavior was more intentional than reflexive?

What if we gave more people the benefit of the doubt?

What if we spent more time in service to our family, our neighborhoods, our community to create good things instead of idly complaining about the bad?

As humans, we are oriented to recognize threat.  From the beginning of time, we were programmed to fight or flee.  Stress is a teacher of nature and it takes effort to respond to it in a way that preserves our good health but it is possible and benefits are life saving. 

What if we were the safe place to harbor the stories of those around us? 

What if we could focus more on the good things we have?  

What if we could use our words to let those around us know that we need more love, attention; more witnessing that what we are dealing with is hard.  We don't always need someone to fix the things that are wrong but we always need to be heard. 

What if we could see more clearly, that anger comes from hurt?   What if we could see more clearly that we all just want to feel safer in this little, big world that has felt like it is closing in on us all year?

What if this is how we managed our stress and took care of ourselves and others?  What if it really was this simple...?

We all have within us the capacity to be kind and compassionate.  Finding the good around us has a calming effect.  Stress is a familiar problem but we can see it in a new way if we are open to a changed perspective. 

We aren't just at the mercy of this angry world, though that is often how we feel.  Most days, it feels bigger than any small thing we can do, but don't give in to that notion.  There is much we can do to ease the discomfort for ourselves and those around us and save us from the stress we have been enduring thus far this year.  

At Madison Women's Clinic, we are here to help you through these very difficult times.  We too feel the demands of the culture in which we live. No one should suffer alone. 

When you know, you know.

When was the last time you heard a woman say, she just knew she was done having kids and you felt a little anxious because you bounce around the idea like a pinball at the nickel arcade?

Some women just know when they are done having children but that isn't all women.  For some, it really is a decision that doesn't come easily or to rest in your mind, just because your best friend wants nothing more to do with snotty noses and 2 AM feedings.  If there is anything to be learned, it's to master the art of not worrying about everyone else and what's hot or not and worry about you.  The decision to have a child or not is so utterly private and personal it belongs within the archives of your own heart and mind. 

Consider your level of satisfaction with the family you have.  Sometimes the noise of the world makes it impossible to feel anything but rushed and less than.  Spend some time in quiet thought while you consider where you are in life, where your family is.  Do you feel a void in your family or is there a feeling of contentment?

Sometimes, it's not a decision that needs to be made right now, today.  Take it one day at time.  Let the time frame be open and let the idea ride on the wave of every day.  When we live the questions, the answers often come softly, gently and clear.  

Here's where I offer a word of caution, never make a decision on a bad day.  You know the day...when kids won't stop fighting, your husband is late getting home, the laundry has piled up...that kind of a day.  Save the big decisions for when the days are calm and you have energy and strength to think clearly. 

As our stages in life change, it can be tough to accept that we are moving on to a new chapter.  It's hard to imagine how the new pages will unfold and what life will look like as everyone grows and evolves.  It's normal to have feelings of trepidation, even anxiety during these times and seasons.  Remember that it's okay to not have every minute of your life planned out.  If needed, come in and talk to one of our trusted providers.  They can offer direction and advice. 

Each stage of life brings a joy we have never known or felt before.  The decisions we make at each crossroads will be ours to make and whatever else we do, never measure your choices against the yardstick of the world. 

 

The Healing Brain

Collectively, we have been through a lot in the past few weeks, yet the way in which we have handled our common crisis is very personal and unique.  For some, there have been added challenges beyond the trials that come with a pandemic.   

Regardless of your station and lot in life, one thing is likely, we are worn out.  Our brains are weary.  There has been so much to process, paradoxes that have challenged how quickly we can process the new information. 

In times such as this, how do we heal our brain?  How do we embrace the new normal or even return to normal.  So much has changed and change has really become the one constant we can count on.  As parents, mothers especially, we carry a heavier load as we absorb the shock and change for our children and all those around us.   How can we best navigate these uncertain times?

Here are some ideas on how to begin to heal our tired brain...

• Sleep.  One of the best ways to rest our mind is to sleep.  It's not enough to get your regular amount of sleep.  In times of turbulence and stress you need a couple of extra hours of sleep and then some.  It varies for each of us.  Start by going to bed and hour earlier and waking up an hour later.  If that isn't enough, try to squeeze in a small nap during the day. 
• Make fewer decisions.  By building routine into our day, we eliminate some simple decisions that can still tax our brain.  For example, make a meal plan.  Set the kids clothes out for the week in an organized manner.  When we plan ahead, we can free up space for more important matters. 
• Move your body.  We hold our anxiety in our body.  When we can get up and move, our stressors have less impact than if we sit and hold on to them.  Moving, literally moves emotion on through so we don't get stuck in negative feelings and mindsets.  Just a stroll around the block does wonders for a tired, exhausted mind.
• Eliminate the things that don't matter.  All of us can fill up a day with unimportant things that drain our minds of energy.  Take a closer look at how you spend your time, and table the non-urgent and unimportant tasks that can wait for a better day when our energy levels are higher. 
• Practice compassion.  Compassion for others is important but compassion for ourselves may be even more so.  Sometimes, all we can do is all we can do.  When experiencing chaos and change, slowing down and recognizing our limits can be the game changer. 

Feeling burned out and exhausted can happen before we even know it and almost always after a stressful time.   We are all handling this new world of ours in the best way we know how and it would serve us all well to slow down just a bit and plan for what we can.  Do the little things to extend kindness to ourselves and others.  We may be in this together but it absolutely affects us each differently and now is not the time for comparative suffering but it is a time to heal.  How will that look for you?

Sleep like a baby

...Unless your baby isn't sleeping!  What's a mama to do?

Here are a few tips to help establish good sleeping habits for your baby but before we get into that, how is your sleeping hygiene?  We've discussed sleep in previous articles but remember, lack of sleep affects everything.  If you are struggling to get quality of sleep, especially postpartum, you are setting yourself up for depression, anxiety, moodiness, poor food choices, and even relationship problems.  Sleep is truly one of the most important things we can all do for ourselves.

Now, back to baby...

1. Keep your baby on a schedule.  If your little one gets overly tired, it will be more difficult to calm them and settle them down.  Watch for cues they are getting sleepy.  An infant should be getting long stretches of sleep.  
2. Use a white noise machine.  White noise helps a baby from hearing all the noise in the house and can mimic the sound of the womb.  Babies can't sleep when they are over stimulated, a noise machine helps neutralize all of that extra sound.  Some experts believe that a sound machine helps your baby associate those sounds with sleep.  The sound machine could be used as loud as a running shower.  Did you know that in the womb, the sound a baby hears is typically at 72 Decibels?
3. Maintain calm in the house.  Too much stimulus will interfere with your baby's sleep patterns and rhythm.    None of us do well in an environment with too much going on.  
4. Learn the art of swaddling.  Nearly all babies love to be swaddled.  The warm, safety of a swaddle will have them falling asleep in no time.  They may fuss while you get the swaddling started but they will soon calm right down and feel secure enough to sleep. 
5. We all love a full stomach, including baby.  Make sure they are getting enough food throughout the day that they aren't falling asleep on an empty stomach.  This will surely keep them awake and very uncomfortable. 
6. Let them nap.  We often make the mistake of trying to keep a baby awake in the afternoon so they will sleep in the evening.  This is a myth.  A rested baby will be a good sleeper.  If your baby has been awake for 60 - 90 minutes, it's time for a nap. 
7. Stick to a routine.  We all love a routine and babies do as well.   Just because they slept all through the trip to Target doesn't mean they were getting restful sleep.  Plan your day accordingly to keep baby in a rhythm and routine the best you can.
8. Babies like a firm, flat bed for sleeping.  It is also the safest and healthiest way for them to sleep.  

Sleep is just as important for infants as it is for us as adults.  Sleep is when our bodies heal, grow, and transform.  Babies are growing so rapidly and they need their sleep.   If you are having issues with your baby getting restful sleep, it's well worth it to consult with a sleep specialist or your child's pediatrician for help.  It will make a night and day difference and help you during the healing process of post partum.